the words you speak become the house you live in

I sometimes wonder if she knows I heard she’d said this about me. It’s remarkable how someone I don’t think twice about can find something like this to say about me.

Point 1: “nothing to be depressed about”

You should always leave your hometown - doesn’t have to be forever. The reason being: you will never outgrow the reputation you gave yourself as a shitty high school teenager with some (probably undiagnosed) serious depression and attitude problems. 

Because truly, I think then, maybe I didn’t have anything to be depressed about. It’s subjective I guess, it feels bigger when you’re in it. At that time I think my major problem was outgrowing a big relationship in my life and a car accident that accidentally traumatized me for several years. I get that this is normal people stuff now. But I didn’t then. And it rocked me. It’s the whole reason I started writing this blog in the first place!

I also think back then I might’ve had a lot of bad things to say at that time too. It’s just the culture of teenage-hood. You hate things, you bond with people over your hate for other people, you talk just to have something to say, it’s the worst but I think it’s just the way it is. Especially when the only high school has like three hundred students in total. Ha.

At twenty-four though, it takes much more for me to hate or even honestly dislike something. I’ve come to a point (and a very yuppy city) where you see and hear so much stuff on the daily that it’s almost not worth it to form an opinion. Like maybe I won’t join tomorrow’s naked bike ride through the city. It’s not that I hate them. It’s just that not everything needs my hot take. But like I was saying earlier, being stuck in what I’ve coined the ‘small-town-mindset’ is what gets you these weird-o comments.

Can I just say - “nothing to be depressed about” is an already insane thing to say about anybody. But I’ll wear that one. I do think putting myself out there with these super cool, awesome, well-written and amazing diaries, will get me some kind of slack in any case. People do suffer in silence. I see that side.

BIGGGG BUT: (1.) suffering in silence does not make you a hero, (2.) get a grip, (3.) if all you have to say about me based on probably 1 conversation 7 years ago is that I have nothing to be depressed about, I think that’s a pretty good review. 

Point 2: “why is haleigh here”

Great question, girl. Why am I here?

I was talking about this very topic in the car with my bestie today, and I think I’ve developed a few coherent thoughts about it all.

1. I think I either lacked confidence or had too much of it going to a place where I was *obviously* not welcome.
2. I have a naive belief that all girls are girls-girls.
3. I thought we were friends
4. I am obviously terrible at thinking!
5. Maybe jealousy is just a bitch

No but seriously. I have this unwavering belief that girls just want to be friends with girls. I treat people that way as much as I can. But god DAMN. There’s just some times where that gets me into some seriously sucky situations.

Like one time my friend (foreshadowing) went missing at this concert and her boyfriend and I went to go find her, then she thought I wanted her boyfriend. We’ve literally never spoken again.

Or this other time I sat next to my friend at dinner with 20 of our closest friends and got yelled at by his ex-girlfriend’s mom for 5 minutes straight in front of the entire restaurant.

It’s also been almost two years since one of my best friends and I spoke last. And two years later, I wonder if she thinks I don’t have seventeen different letters written to her trying to reconcile it all.

Needless to say, most of the time, loving people results in love back. But some of the time, I hate myself for trying.

I digress.

Segway into

Point 3: I am no woman’s enemy.

Girls are hard as hell on each other. I know it first hand. I also had a big sister whose favourite ‘game’ was to see how fast I could go down the stairs in a laundry basket. I know how hard girls can be.

And I’m no angel either. There’s soooo many things I’ve said especially as a teenager that I wish I could take back. It’s a shame we have to do something bad to learn how to be better.

But with girls specifically, we’ve already got too much going on. Politics on our bodies and shady disgusting men, makeup, weight loss, Instagram, social media in general actually, gender wage gap, pink tax, sexuality, boyfriends, the endless performance of womanhood. Let me take myself out of this equation.

You do not need to hold your armour up for me.

I will never pray on your downfall.

You will always be welcome in my home.

You can be depressed about anything with me.

I will keep your secrets. 

I will never put a man above any of that. I don’t care what you’ve said about me. I don’t care if you still hate me. I don’t care what your narrative is. I’m not thinking about you like that. Everything girls say to me is an opportunity for me to self reflect. And for the last. God. Damn. Time. I don’t want your man. Amen.

All that to say, to protect my peace, most of the people who said this stuff are blocked (sorry, not sorry?). I don’t want them to find any more reasons to perpetuate all that nastiness. But, because this is a public website and people somehow always find this stuff, I hope they know I’m praying for their love and light. And I hope you heal.

Peace & blessings

Xo 

Hales