Sometimes when I am asleep, and the wind is coming in through the window of my childhood bedroom, I can almost feel you here. For a sleepover, the way we used to do all the time. It was just our clothes then, I didn’t know what was mine or yours. It was our day then, we never left each other’s sides. It was our life then, a pact that if we made it to 40 and were still single, we’d run away together and live on the beach in Mexico. I always wake up in a sweat from those dreams now. Now I live in your phone as an unknown cell number, I live in your photos as a girl you used to know. I live in that stain I left on the carpet of your truck when my bubblegum ice cream melted. Now I’m the most hated girl. For twenty-five years in a row. If you’ve never been the last choice friend, undiagnosed depression at a very young age, artsy but filled with melancholy girl, then you’ve never been the most hated girl. But I’ve worn her skin all my life. At first it was the separate group chat with 9 memb...
I sometimes wonder if she knows I heard she’d said this about me. It’s remarkable how someone I don’t think twice about can find something like this to say about me. Point 1: “nothing to be depressed about” You should always leave your hometown - doesn’t have to be forever. The reason being: you will never outgrow the reputation you gave yourself as a shitty high school teenager with some (probably undiagnosed) serious depression and attitude problems. Because truly, I think then, maybe I didn’t have anything to be depressed about. It’s subjective I guess, it feels bigger when you’re in it. At that time I think my major problem was outgrowing a big relationship in my life and a car accident that accidentally traumatized me for several years. I get that this is normal people stuff now. But I didn’t then. And it rocked me. It’s the whole reason I started writing this blog in the first place! I also think back then I might’ve had a lot of bad things to say at that time too. It’...