I never would have done it myself. But in my head, I thought about if a city bus happened to slip into the intersection while I was crossing. Or what if my shellfish allergy found me behind a big plate of seafood? I didn’t google the side effects of mixing my meds with alcohol. Didn’t turn my music down in my headphones walking at night. I didn’t pull the blanket down from over my head when it felt like I couldn’t breathe under it.
I used to tell myself that worst case scenario, I run out of money and lose all my friends, finally push my family away, and in that case, it’d be okay to die because there’s nothing left I’d want to live for.
There was even a point where I couldn’t think about the next two hours without completely falling apart. I had to take things by minutes. Just get through the next minute. And the next. A few more minutes and I’ll be asleep, that’ll cover at least a few hours. I was so desperate just to fall asleep, because that would take the weight off of my focus on living.
I didn’t want to die. But I wasn’t self-preserving. I wasn’t trying to stay alive. I just didn’t know what other answer there was?? What else can you do when you have nothing, no people, no desires, no passion, no money?
I used to call these feelings selfish. How could anyone do that to their family? Friends? But in that moment, I felt that the burden of me continuing to live while my family watched on in fear was worse than whatever consequences would come afterwards.
I just wanted to stop disappointing them. Every move I made left these giant wounds in people that I loved. I hated myself for not being able to see who they needed me to be for them.
I saw what was happening so clearly. I saw who I was becoming. I hated every last piece of her. I hated being tired, and sick, and needy. I hated drinking so much, being mean, and waking up depressed every Sunday. I hated coming home, throwing my bag down, and crawling into bed for the remainder of the night. And on top of everything, I liked people who didn’t have my best interest in mind & that made me feel unlovable when it eventually ended.
I would’ve done almost anything to just have something come along by accident and take that life away from me.
But I’m the fun friend. And I don’t really have big and complex problems like this. And so when I kind of sort of talked about what I was going through, there wasn’t anyone that took it all that seriously. Granted, I could have taken it a bit more seriously. But it moreso came off as a joke. And it was a joke!! Right? There’s no way I actually meant what I said!!! Right? I was probably just tired when I got so sad, right? I’m probably getting my period or something, right? I guess haven’t been to the gym in a while and I might just be having the sunday scaries, right? There’s no way I just feel like dying over nothing?
I dabbled around in google. Therapists in my area//therapists for girls//do I need a therapist//I don’t really want to die//antidepressant side effects//Canada help line//self care techniques//can I light candles in an apartment//how many hours of sleep is a normal amount//period symptoms//rare period symptoms//how to know if you’re depressed//what to do when you find out you’re depressed//how to care for a depressed person//how long does it take to cure depression//why am I depressed if I have a good life//10 ways to cure depression//50 ways to cure depression
Nobody needs all this extra weight, and besides, I can hold on to it! I’ve been holding on to it! People have real problems. I’m just being a whiner I’m sorry. I’m just tired!! I think I’m going to bail on tonight I don’t feel very good. No I don’t need anything thanks tho 💗💗
Now, there’s so much living I want to do I don’t know if I’ll even have enough time for it all.
It’s hard to believe I ever let anyone or any thing have all that power over me. That they could do something so minor and I would let it send these shockwaves through my life. I can’t believe I ever imagined my family (or anyone else, for that matter) would’ve been burdened by my existence.
But it feels so real!! When you’re in that headspace, there’s just no way to explain it other than complete desperation. You truly start to think there’s no other way to get through it.
Now, I want to run and jump into the arms of strangers if not to say anything other than “I exist! I exist! I exist!” I am real!!!
Some days, I want to exist just so I can be cozy in my bed. I love being cozy in my bed!! I’m so happy I get to live in a world where they make beds this cozy. And I want to exist to eat pre-made Pillsbury cookies. And I want to exist to say “take care, sir” when I hang up the phone. I want to tell every single girl in every single bathroom that I like their outfit and they deserve a healthy love. I want to exist to remind people that you get through it!!!
You get through it. All those excruciating minutes I spent wondering how I’d do it. There’s hope. There is hope for you.
I think it used to feel hard to think about the future for 2 reasons: 1) it was unpredictable 2) I didn’t like the person I thought I had to become.
Here is your permission to change who you think you have to become. You don’t have to have babies. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to stay in that place. You don’t have to love that person forever. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Just set small goals and let things unfold after that.
I used to tell myself that worst case scenario, I run out of money and lose all my friends, finally push my family away, and in that case, it’d be okay to die because there’s nothing left I’d want to live for.
There was even a point where I couldn’t think about the next two hours without completely falling apart. I had to take things by minutes. Just get through the next minute. And the next. A few more minutes and I’ll be asleep, that’ll cover at least a few hours. I was so desperate just to fall asleep, because that would take the weight off of my focus on living.
I didn’t want to die. But I wasn’t self-preserving. I wasn’t trying to stay alive. I just didn’t know what other answer there was?? What else can you do when you have nothing, no people, no desires, no passion, no money?
I used to call these feelings selfish. How could anyone do that to their family? Friends? But in that moment, I felt that the burden of me continuing to live while my family watched on in fear was worse than whatever consequences would come afterwards.
I just wanted to stop disappointing them. Every move I made left these giant wounds in people that I loved. I hated myself for not being able to see who they needed me to be for them.
I saw what was happening so clearly. I saw who I was becoming. I hated every last piece of her. I hated being tired, and sick, and needy. I hated drinking so much, being mean, and waking up depressed every Sunday. I hated coming home, throwing my bag down, and crawling into bed for the remainder of the night. And on top of everything, I liked people who didn’t have my best interest in mind & that made me feel unlovable when it eventually ended.
I would’ve done almost anything to just have something come along by accident and take that life away from me.
But I’m the fun friend. And I don’t really have big and complex problems like this. And so when I kind of sort of talked about what I was going through, there wasn’t anyone that took it all that seriously. Granted, I could have taken it a bit more seriously. But it moreso came off as a joke. And it was a joke!! Right? There’s no way I actually meant what I said!!! Right? I was probably just tired when I got so sad, right? I’m probably getting my period or something, right? I guess haven’t been to the gym in a while and I might just be having the sunday scaries, right? There’s no way I just feel like dying over nothing?
I dabbled around in google. Therapists in my area//therapists for girls//do I need a therapist//I don’t really want to die//antidepressant side effects//Canada help line//self care techniques//can I light candles in an apartment//how many hours of sleep is a normal amount//period symptoms//rare period symptoms//how to know if you’re depressed//what to do when you find out you’re depressed//how to care for a depressed person//how long does it take to cure depression//why am I depressed if I have a good life//10 ways to cure depression//50 ways to cure depression
Nobody needs all this extra weight, and besides, I can hold on to it! I’ve been holding on to it! People have real problems. I’m just being a whiner I’m sorry. I’m just tired!! I think I’m going to bail on tonight I don’t feel very good. No I don’t need anything thanks tho 💗💗
Now, there’s so much living I want to do I don’t know if I’ll even have enough time for it all.
It’s hard to believe I ever let anyone or any thing have all that power over me. That they could do something so minor and I would let it send these shockwaves through my life. I can’t believe I ever imagined my family (or anyone else, for that matter) would’ve been burdened by my existence.
But it feels so real!! When you’re in that headspace, there’s just no way to explain it other than complete desperation. You truly start to think there’s no other way to get through it.
Now, I want to run and jump into the arms of strangers if not to say anything other than “I exist! I exist! I exist!” I am real!!!
Some days, I want to exist just so I can be cozy in my bed. I love being cozy in my bed!! I’m so happy I get to live in a world where they make beds this cozy. And I want to exist to eat pre-made Pillsbury cookies. And I want to exist to say “take care, sir” when I hang up the phone. I want to tell every single girl in every single bathroom that I like their outfit and they deserve a healthy love. I want to exist to remind people that you get through it!!!
You get through it. All those excruciating minutes I spent wondering how I’d do it. There’s hope. There is hope for you.
I think it used to feel hard to think about the future for 2 reasons: 1) it was unpredictable 2) I didn’t like the person I thought I had to become.
Here is your permission to change who you think you have to become. You don’t have to have babies. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to stay in that place. You don’t have to love that person forever. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Just set small goals and let things unfold after that.
I used to ruin everything good & lovely because I needed the predictability of it all. I needed to know for sure what the outcome would be, and in order to do that, I tore everything apart. I could never trust that someone would love me forever, so I would make sure they didn't have to. I could never trust that I'd get the job, so I wouldn't apply. I could never be sure I'd have a safe place to land, so I never jumped. But unpredictability it where the sweetness of your life is! It's where the good things start to happen!
My favourite scientist (lmfao) explained this theory that we are the universe experiencing ourselves. Think of it like this: imagine you die and go to meet your maker, wherever that is. And they give you one chance to wish for anything you want. And you wish to go back down to earth again not for any real purpose but to swim in lakes and experience love and grief and sunshine again. Imagine you never have the chance again, to do even these little things that seem so unimportant in the midst of every day life.
You are the universe experiencing itself. You can show it anything you want. You have so much free will. Not to like save the world or smash a plate (even though you could) but even to, like, ask the waitress for no tomatoes on your burger. Or to stay in bed alllllllll Saturday. The experiences are endless and also unbounded. You can be something today and something else tomorrow. For example, my juice intake was limited as a child. Health & sugar and stuff, mom things. But now as an adult I’m like?? I can drink all the juice I want!! Juice privileges!!! All mine!!
You don’t need to die for your life to change. You’re allowed to consciously say “that life is over. This new life starts now.”
Haleigh, you don’t need to die for your life to change.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I got there or how I got out of there. I tried everything. I wish I could give you the two-bite program but I don’t know. I just know something happened and things are better mostly. I know they’re mostly better because I look both ways when I cross the street.
I would tell you it’s going to be okay, and you would not believe me. You would tell me I don’t know what kind of pain you’re in. That’s not true, of course, but I’ll do you one better. Just take it minute by minute. You don’t have to think about anything else other than just what you need to do in the next sixty seconds.
I don’t think I ever wanted to talk about this. As a matter of fact I still really don’t. And I’m not an advocate either, that’d be like the blind leading the blind haha. I’m just here to tell you that it happens. And it happens to seemingly normal people who have seemingly normal (or even amazing) lives. And I am a safe place for you. And you deserve a safe place around you. And you don’t deserve your pain. And you were never a burden. And I’m okay now, so don’t worry about me.
My favourite scientist (lmfao) explained this theory that we are the universe experiencing ourselves. Think of it like this: imagine you die and go to meet your maker, wherever that is. And they give you one chance to wish for anything you want. And you wish to go back down to earth again not for any real purpose but to swim in lakes and experience love and grief and sunshine again. Imagine you never have the chance again, to do even these little things that seem so unimportant in the midst of every day life.
You are the universe experiencing itself. You can show it anything you want. You have so much free will. Not to like save the world or smash a plate (even though you could) but even to, like, ask the waitress for no tomatoes on your burger. Or to stay in bed alllllllll Saturday. The experiences are endless and also unbounded. You can be something today and something else tomorrow. For example, my juice intake was limited as a child. Health & sugar and stuff, mom things. But now as an adult I’m like?? I can drink all the juice I want!! Juice privileges!!! All mine!!
You don’t need to die for your life to change. You’re allowed to consciously say “that life is over. This new life starts now.”
Haleigh, you don’t need to die for your life to change.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I got there or how I got out of there. I tried everything. I wish I could give you the two-bite program but I don’t know. I just know something happened and things are better mostly. I know they’re mostly better because I look both ways when I cross the street.
I would tell you it’s going to be okay, and you would not believe me. You would tell me I don’t know what kind of pain you’re in. That’s not true, of course, but I’ll do you one better. Just take it minute by minute. You don’t have to think about anything else other than just what you need to do in the next sixty seconds.
I don’t think I ever wanted to talk about this. As a matter of fact I still really don’t. And I’m not an advocate either, that’d be like the blind leading the blind haha. I’m just here to tell you that it happens. And it happens to seemingly normal people who have seemingly normal (or even amazing) lives. And I am a safe place for you. And you deserve a safe place around you. And you don’t deserve your pain. And you were never a burden. And I’m okay now, so don’t worry about me.
Stay strong girl. Pretty deep stuff. You have a gift.
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