a note on giving up

I'm sure you all knew this was coming.

I was raised in a family where giving up is not an option. Those weren’t words at our house. It made me stubborn, but it also made me successful. It’s why I pushed through years of ringette, years of mean high school kids, years of relationships. It’s why I didn’t drop out of school when I was in second year, it’s why I FaceTime with my teachers to bring my grades up. I push because I’m not a giver upper.

Maybe to a fault?

Sometimes I don’t know when to give up. Arguing a point, never being able to accept defeat, never being able to hear “no” as an option.

 

In fact, I’m the best at not giving up. I took PE all through high school and only one time in my life did I ever hit the softball (a foul ball at that) and that was all I needed to call it a win.

 

But where is the line?? Giving up and surrender. What’s the difference?

 

I still don’t think I know. But I think the first thing I ever gave up on was love.

 

Love

Someone I look up to told me once,

“if you’re feeling like you’re about to give up, that’s when you give your 110%. You fight with everything you’ve got. That way, either it works out and you’ll be proud, or it doesn’t, and you’ll know that at least you did the best you could.”

 

Read that again maybe?

 

That goes for love, that goes for the last mile on the treadmill, that goes for that assignment, I promise you can apply it to anything in your life.

 

When I felt like giving up on love, that’s when I gave it my all. It worked for a little while, until it didn’t. And that was okay, I could finally accept that it was over, even though I did everything I could. It was the same type of success as hitting a foul ball. It’s not what we wanted exactly but it’s better than not hitting it at all! Love runs out, and people do too. We run out of energy to not give up.

 

We call this surrender.

 

I knew I could keep fighting but what for? For more fighting?

 

I didn’t know what was better. All I felt like was “at least I can say that I tried.” Did that make me a quitter? Maybe.

 

Trauma

This was a different kind of giving up. This was a haven’t-washed-my-hair-in-a-week type of giving up. This was the type of giving up where there was no fight at all. No 110% to give. I would’ve called it surrender then but that’s not what it was, I was quitting. I was ready to let life decide for me what I couldn’t bring myself to decide. Instead of trying to hit the softball, I didn’t even show up to the field.

 

I gave up on my people too. I stopped caring about them, and stopped believing they cared about me.

 

Any trauma changes a person and I believe that wholly. And I’ve seen it consume people. I’ve seen it grow people. I’ve seen it ruin things and create things (me being one of them!!) and I’ve seen people (me) give up...and get better, too.

 

Mean people

One day I was sitting across from my dad and he says “if they ever do that to you again, you’re gonna punch them square in the face. Do you hear me!!” Now if you know what I look like, you would know I am certainly not a fighter. But this was a realization I had then: I didn’t want to fight, I just wanted it to be over. Even though I wanted them to face the consequences, it wasn’t worth it for me anymore. Sweet surrender.

I encounter this more in life than I expected to. People who definitely deserve to be punched in the face. And I practice letting it go. Because that’s a hill they’re willing to die on, not me. Sometimes people aren’t worth it; your peace I mean. Another argument isn’t gonna solve it, another chance isn’t gonna change it, sometimes you just have to dust off your hands and let them have it.

Life choices

So, naturally, we arrive at my point.

I don’t quit anymore. And I obviously don’t know the limits on that, as we can tell. Which is why I have a hard time admitting maybe I’m wrong. I have a hard time asking for help. Waving my hand in the air and saying, “hello, anyone out there?!”

 

So a lot of my choices, I just live with. Because I don’t wanna be the quitter. And I’m too stubborn to admit I was wrong. This is not a good way to be, and I’m learning that now.

 

Here’s the point: drum roll please!

Surrender is giving up for the better.

I’ve done both: giving up and giving out. I didn’t punch that person in the face, of course. But I also allowed bad feelings to consume me for a portion of my life. Both are the same and different.

 

What I’m trying to say is, it’s okay to wave the white flag. It’s okay to put down your pride, and just let whatever be, be. It’s not giving up. You’re not a hero for suffering forever. It’s okay to ask for help, and admit you were wrong. It’s okay to change your mind, understand another point of view, or forgive someone who didn’t say sorry.

 

Sometimes surrender is just a way to give yourself some peace. Put down the defense, stop needing to push.

 

I stand by what I said earlier, about giving more when you’re about to give up. But you don’t have to do that forever. And if it feels right to let go, then it’s probably right.

 

Enter cheesy haleigh..........

 

I think the only thing you should never ever ever ever ever ever give up on is yourself. I’ve been there, and it’s the worst thing you could ever do. You only have yourself for the rest of your whole entire life!! Make peace with that. Work hard on being who you want to be; and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need that too.

Show up to PE, over and over again, and work on hitting even a foul ball. 

Okay I'm done now. Byeeee <3