when it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump

If you guys know me, you know that I’m exactly the opposite of a risk-taker. I am a safety first, planned schedule, organized life ADVOCATE. In every sense, I live my life in an extremely safe way.

My dad used to say “do one thing a day that scares you.” For me that would mean, like, a spontaneous trip to the grocery store or making cookies at 9 at night. For me, that was big stuff.

I don’t love to talk down on myself because I’m doing the best I can, but if there was one thing I would’ve changed about myself these last years, it would have been to allow myself to go with the flow.

Just go with it.

Tattoos

When I was 18 I got my first tattoo. It reads, “so it goes”. It was the beginning of my bid to learn how to go with the changed in life, and adapt instead of run away. And tattoos as a whole were kind of a big deal for me because it was the first thing I did that was “spontaneous” as some might say.

Anyways, I see it every day now and I aaaalways take a second to remind myself to just go with it.

Tattoos were hard for another reason too, because they're so permanent. Its weird to be confident enough just to say "yeah, you know what? I'm gonna love this forever." 

Saying yes to things

The next step for me was learning to say yes. Like last minute camping trips, shopping dates, late night drives, parties. Saying yes was hard for me, of course, because it wasn’t a part of the plan. And I justified it because I was tired or had to work the next day or I had “things” to do. I didn’t. I just couldn’t comprehend the idea of packing up and just going. Finally, my friends (and my family later) sat me down and were like “Haleigh listen, we love hanging out with you but we’re going to stop inviting you if you’re just going to keep saying no.”

Ring ring!! Hello, wake up call!

So my “one thing a day” became at least one yes. Some days it was easy, other days my anxiety was high and I would talk myself out of it. But I did it. I just became a yes man. A doer of things. And some days it wasn’t even that fun but some days are my best memories.

And that doesn't only mean things either. Saying yes to people is another big step I am still in the middle of learning. Saying yes to trusting someone, letting them love you, letting them learn about you, that's all stuff that can be hard to say yes to (for me anyways). But that's how cool stuff is created like love and friendships. A couple of strong, confident yes's.

Living out of a suitcase

Cut to life now, I don’t think I’m even a fraction of that Haleigh anymore.

In May, I felt stuck and confused and I needed to get away from my life for a while. Well, I did the next most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done (and I didn’t even know it yet).

I packed up a suitcase, enough for 10 days, got in my car and drove 12 hours to visit my friends and family on the island. Well...10 days turned to 3 months and now look at me. I’ve been to ten different cities in this time, met more people than I can count, laid in the sun, had plenty of beach days, drank some summer cocktails, and have truly, in every way shape and form been living my best life.

Who would have thought that living out of a suitcase would teach you so much?

To some, this might seem completely ordinary (hello to the backpackers of the world) but like I said, for ME... this is huge stuff. 

A phone call from a friend

I’m the midst of all this spontaneity, I’ve had a lot of confusion when it comes to finally making a plan. Now that I’m in the flow, it’s hard to find a chance or even a reason to come up with a plan. But with my final year of school approaching, I have to come up with at least something.

A few nights ago, I got a phone call from a friend. She’s feeling like me right now too, a little lost on what to do with things. She asks me to move in with her in a city neither have us have really even been to. For a year.

Do one thing a day that scares you.

So I said yes.

And now I’m looking at my suitcase knowing another adventure is on the way. And I am more than thrilled. Who's to say if it will actually work out? Maybe it won't, maybe I'll end up right back where I started. The main thing for me is that I could set aside my fear and be ready to take on something new as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

Me now

 

Structure is good, in my opinion. It allows me to focus and strategize, make plans, and ensure I’m getting things done.

 

I was holding on to it for dear life though, until I realized that, if I just put my legs down, I could touch the ground anyways.

 

I could step back, recognize that the structure is there, it’ll always be there, I can always come back to it. And I could free myself of holding on to the little things that made life feel so uptight sometimes.

Old me would be so proud of me now.

Sometimes I get half way through these things and I’m like what is the point of telling people this? Why would anyone want to read this? 

And if you’re wondering that too, let me just tell you the best thing I can tell you right now. Let me tell you that the worst that could happen is nothing you can't fix. The best person you've ever met might be there. Money comes back. Life is so. god damn short. Move away. Break up. Fall in love. Look over the edge and feel your heart nearly pounding out of your chest.

When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you jump. That’s exactly when you say yes, when you get the tattoo, when you do it.

Just jump.