Sometimes when I am asleep, and the wind is coming in through the window of my childhood bedroom, I can almost feel you here. For a sleepover, the way we used to do all the time. It was just our clothes then, I didn’t know what was mine or yours. It was our day then, we never left each other’s sides. It was our life then, a pact that if we made it to 40 and were still single, we’d run away together and live on the beach in Mexico. I always wake up in a sweat from those dreams now. Now I live in your phone as an unknown cell number, I live in your photos as a girl you used to know. I live in that stain I left on the carpet of your truck when my bubblegum ice cream melted. Now I’m the most hated girl. For twenty-five years in a row. If you’ve never been the last choice friend, undiagnosed depression at a very young age, artsy but filled with melancholy girl, then you’ve never been the most hated girl. But I’ve worn her skin all my life. At first it was the separate group chat with 9 memb...
If you guys know me, you know that I’m exactly the opposite of a risk-taker. I am a safety first, planned schedule, organized life ADVOCATE. In every sense, I live my life in an extremely safe way. My dad used to say “do one thing a day that scares you.” For me that would mean, like, a spontaneous trip to the grocery store or making cookies at 9 at night. For me, that was big stuff. I don’t love to talk down on myself because I’m doing the best I can, but if there was one thing I would’ve changed about myself these last years, it would have been to allow myself to go with the flow. Just go with it. Tattoos When I was 18 I got my first tattoo. It reads, “so it goes”. It was the beginning of my bid to learn how to go with the changed in life, and adapt instead of run away. And tattoos as a whole were kind of a big deal for me because it was the first thing I did that was “spontaneous” as some might say. Anyways, I see it every day now and I aaaalways take a second to remi...