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Showing posts from March, 2020

on grief

They put the tea on because they know you’re on your way. You grab your jacket, I wait by the door. Before you go, can you show me where I look to turn the breaker back on if we run the blow dryers at the same time again? And quickly show me where we keep the lightbulbs? Does this picture frame need a screw or will a nail do? Do you think if I move the clothes out of it you could take my old dresser out of the closet? You don’t have time for all this but I continue; When is it time to change my tires? How do I make sure the hoses won’t freeze up in the winter? What if the bank calls and tells me I can increase my credit limit, should I do it? Can you quickly explain to me why the democrats want to get rid of fracking? And also what is fracking? Do you think I’m on the right career path? Should I be investing part of my paycheque? What is that noise coming from the furnace? Can you check it out I can’t sleep if it’s clicking all night?  You sit patiently with me, I know you have to ...

stay gold, ponyboy

nothing gold can stay nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. her early leaf's a flower; but only so an hour. then leaf subsides to leaf. so Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. nothing gold can stay Do you think it's possible that Robert Frost wrote this specifically for me at age 20? If any of you ever read The Outsiders in high school, then you would obviously remember the famous line, "stay gold, Ponyboy." I won't spoil the context for you, but if you need something to read I highly recommend. Anyways, they were of course, referencing 'Nothing Gold Can Stay.' It was Johnny's way of telling Ponyboy to stay young, innocent, gold. Okay, with the 11th grade English lesson over with, let me tell you why I really wanted to talk about this.  I've written a lot about letting go. Letting go of people that hurt you, things that felt heavy, grudges, and bad days. But for some reason, this one po...

I can't take my own advice

“IT TAKES EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO CALL YOU, AND I WISH I COULD RUN TO YOU, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I DON’T, I ALMOST DO.” I want to call the hell out of you. I wanna scream those lyrics at the top of my lungs. I wanna punch my pillow. And cry. And be able to take my goddamn exams without checking my phone for your stupid name every three seconds. I want to scroll through Pinterest without crying at the next “excerpt from a book I’ll never write.” I wanna read our texts again, for the ninth time today. I wanna look at my pictures with you.  God dammit. Damn all of this. I wish I could take all of this and just crumple it up into a ball and Kobe throw it into the trash. I hate needing you like this. Some days, I am totally, one hundred percent hunky dory, good-as-can-be, myself. Other days, I’m consumed — no — being swallowed whole by this whole “change” thing. It’s sucks okay?? Did anybody ever tell you that? "How did we get here And how do we get bac...

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