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Showing posts from March, 2020

it’s easy to be your friend because I love you

My dad died on Valentine’s Day from a cancer in his brain that he fought for a year and a half.  I’ll talk about that more one day, but what I want to say now comes from the buildup and the fallout. What I want to say is not about the suffering and turmoil that I watched my dad and my family experience for that year and a half, or the milestones we hit every day that I never mentioned, like the last day he had ice cream or went outside. I want to talk about him and I will. But today, I want to talk about the aftermath. People don’t know what to say about death and dying. They tell you they’re sorry and they could never do what you’re doing, they tell you how strong you are and graceful you’re being, admire how you’re “back to work” or “still able to have fun”. Grievers are told time and time again, nobody knows what the right thing to say is. And we have grace. Giggle it off and nod our heads, tell them thank you and it’s okay. Because it is okay. They aren’t doing anything wrong t...

stay gold, ponyboy

nothing gold can stay nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. her early leaf's a flower; but only so an hour. then leaf subsides to leaf. so Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. nothing gold can stay Do you think it's possible that Robert Frost wrote this specifically for me at age 20? If any of you ever read The Outsiders in high school, then you would obviously remember the famous line, "stay gold, Ponyboy." I won't spoil the context for you, but if you need something to read I highly recommend. Anyways, they were of course, referencing 'Nothing Gold Can Stay.' It was Johnny's way of telling Ponyboy to stay young, innocent, gold. Okay, with the 11th grade English lesson over with, let me tell you why I really wanted to talk about this.  I've written a lot about letting go. Letting go of people that hurt you, things that felt heavy, grudges, and bad days. But for some reason, this one po...

I can't take my own advice

“IT TAKES EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO CALL YOU, AND I WISH I COULD RUN TO YOU, AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I DON’T, I ALMOST DO.” I want to call the hell out of you. I wanna scream those lyrics at the top of my lungs. I wanna punch my pillow. And cry. And be able to take my goddamn exams without checking my phone for your stupid name every three seconds. I want to scroll through Pinterest without crying at the next “excerpt from a book I’ll never write.” I wanna read our texts again, for the ninth time today. I wanna look at my pictures with you.  God dammit. Damn all of this. I wish I could take all of this and just crumple it up into a ball and Kobe throw it into the trash. I hate needing you like this. Some days, I am totally, one hundred percent hunky dory, good-as-can-be, myself. Other days, I’m consumed — no — being swallowed whole by this whole “change” thing. It’s sucks okay?? Did anybody ever tell you that? "How did we get here And how do we get bac...

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