I never believed in the whole waiting to tell someone you loved them. Or having to wait to make sure you’re in love. I feel like I love everyone I’ve ever really met in some way.
Not to sound like an award-winning Netflix special, but this one’s for all of the people I’ve ever loved.
There was the first “I love you.” I loved loving you. But this was the you who only showed me what love was by taking it away from me.
There was the you who held the door for me, the you I saw at the red light. The you who taught me microeconomics. The you who was a girl.
There’s the you who I wonder about every couple years, and I wonder if I should’ve told you I loved you way back then. There’s you who said you loved me and I didn’t love you back, (I hope you’re still doing good).
And I liked you but you weren’t a very good conversationalist and then there was you and I wasn’t sure about the way you dressed. There was you, who had the sketchy friends, and you who I’d probably marry if I didn’t want to lose you as my best friend.
There was you who I wasn’t allowed to love, I did anyways.
There’s a you that I love right now, I think, and for some reason I can’t figure out how to say it out loud. There’s a you I’ll always love.
The thing about me & love is that I can’t tell if it’s the person or the feeling. Because, if I’m gonna be honest, I was doing like...really well on my own. And there’s this fear that comes with letting another person into that personal, quiet space.
And because of that, there’s so many you’s that I pick apart. I shouldn’t. I find reasons to keep myself intact the same way one finds reasons to cancel plans: it’s easier and it feels comfortable. I have to find something wrong with you, so I can avoid finding out what’s really wrong with me. It’s this weird little thing I do, after the first “I love you” didn’t work out.
I believe in love at first sight totally and absolutely. I’ve felt it. But I think the big thing is love that lasts. I don’t know if that’s real.
I don’t know. I might not ever know.
F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, “there’s all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” I think he was right. I hope to god I don’t feel some of these things twice, ya know?
There is all kinds of love in this world. All kinds of soulmates, all kinds of everything. Sometimes I feel like I’m not going to live enough life to feel it all.
I don’t know what love is. I just know that I’ve felt it. I know it exists. It’s this weird, warm energy that sort of zips around and bounces off of everyone I’ve ever met and back into me. All I know for certain is that I know what love is not.
And to all the people I’ve ever loved,
Love you.
Haleigh
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