2019: I relax, I let go

At midnight on New Years of 2018 I told myself that 2019 was going to be different. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be better, I just had to make some changes, and at the time I wasn’t sure what that meant for me. 

It’s been hard to write this honestly, because it messes up a lot of old feelings I spent a long time trying to sort out. 2019 was a huge year. 

January 14

I started my blog.

February 28

Learned how to change a car battery. 

March 17

Became a fashion icon.

April 3

Chased some rainbows.

May 4

Danced with tears in my eyes.

May 19

Gave 30 tattoos.

June 1

Dyed my hair bleach. mf. blonde.

June 26

First professional work trip.

July 23

First day with no anxiety since October 4, 2018.

August 5

Good music. New best friends.

August 10

Ice cream & massive life decisions. 

August 24

First taste of freedom.

September 7

Enjoying the company of my best friends. Just really, deeply enjoying it.

September 16

19.

September 25

Broke my finger at homesense.

October 24

Newest best friend for life.

October 31

The costume that offended too many people. Lol.

November 15

More good music. More good friends. And a good vlog to top.

December 10

I did it.

Looking back on this year makes me cry for some reason.

I am so goddamn proud of myself. I started living for me and look what happened? My entire life took a 180. 

I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to be gentler with the people I met. I wanted to practice patience. I wanted to go with the flow. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to be more understanding. I did it.

I’m sorry to swear here, but I fucking did that.

And 2020 is gonna be more. than. beautiful. 

To the Haleigh who reads this after Christmas in December 2020, I have a few things I hope you accomplished.

I hope you learned to love yourself inside & out. In every sense of the phrase. I hope you understand that the things you don’t like about yourself are the same things that make you interesting. I hope you learned that people are mostly nice, and if you found that they weren’t, I hope you learned to walk away. 

I hope you found love. At least a little bit of it. I hope it didn’t make you wonder if it was real or not. I hope you’re okay if it didn’t work out.

I hope you made amends with the people who didn’t know they hurt your feelings. And also the ones who did. I hope you learned how to forgive even if there was no apology.

I hope you can trust people.

I hope you ate yummy food. And strived to be healthier.

I hope you were happy. 

This year I’m thankful for lovers, and family, and heartbreaks, and endings, and beginnings, and music, and dresses, and shopping, and crying, and dancing, and girls nights, and every other thing in between. From the bottom of my heart.

2019, you changed my life. Or maybe I changed it myself. Either way, I don’t have time now to wonder why or how all of this had to happen.

For now, I’ll focus on where I’m headed.