Sometimes when I am asleep, and the wind is coming in through the window of my childhood bedroom, I can almost feel you here. For a sleepover, the way we used to do all the time. It was just our clothes then, I didn’t know what was mine or yours. It was our day then, we never left each other’s sides. It was our life then, a pact that if we made it to 40 and were still single, we’d run away together and live on the beach in Mexico. I always wake up in a sweat from those dreams now. Now I live in your phone as an unknown cell number, I live in your photos as a girl you used to know. I live in that stain I left on the carpet of your truck when my bubblegum ice cream melted. Now I’m the most hated girl. For twenty-five years in a row. If you’ve never been the last choice friend, undiagnosed depression at a very young age, artsy but filled with melancholy girl, then you’ve never been the most hated girl. But I’ve worn her skin all my life. At first it was the separate group chat with 9 memb...
At midnight on New Years of 2018 I told myself that 2019 was going to be different. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be better, I just had to make some changes, and at the time I wasn’t sure what that meant for me. It’s been hard to write this honestly, because it messes up a lot of old feelings I spent a long time trying to sort out. 2019 was a huge year. January 14 I started my blog. February 28 Learned how to change a car battery. March 17 Became a fashion icon. April 3 Chased some rainbows. May 4 Danced with tears in my eyes. May 19 Gave 30 tattoos. June 1 Dyed my hair bleach. mf. blonde. June 26 First professional work trip. July 23 First day with no anxiety since October 4, 2018. August 5 Good music. New best friends. August 10 Ice cream & massive life decisions. August 24 First taste of freedom. September 7 Enjoying the company of my best friends. Just really, deeply enjoy...