nineteen

Nineteen was, and I'm sure of this, the hardest age of my life so far. Nineteen was the age of emotion. Pure, raw, rich, bizarre, emotion. 

I felt so much that it was honestly overwhelming. There is no words that could properly explain the complete chaos that was my mind in this, the nineteenth year of my life. 

Let me take you with me on the journey that was my nineteenth lap around the sun.

fall: the storm and the badlands

Eighteen days after my nineteenth birthday began my journey through my mental "badlands." This was when old me was swept away by an incredible storm, one I never saw coming, one I never ever wanted to be a part of. And when the physical storm was over, I was left lying on my back, looking up at a cloudy sky, wondering where I was and who I was and why everything felt sort of...wrong. 

At the time, I didn't realize the detrimental effects that my time in the badlands would have on me. It was a weird time. I wasn't quite sure of anything, let alone myself. Let alone what was to come. I pushed it all down, and I went out for dinners and partied with my friends and when I crawled into bed at night I put the TV on to try and ignore the dull ache that just kind of existed in my body.

I felt myself taking a stick in the sand between life before and life after the storm, and just digging it deeper and deeper as the days passed, until there was no physical way to reach the other side anymore.

Hindsight 20/20, I shouldn't have kept it down like that. Because, like a match to a stick of dynamite, things were about to explode.

"You said goodbye like it was just a word and it wouldn't take my breath away."

winter: aftermath

For me, like the weather outside, things just got sort of, cold and grey. My joints were sore. My head was sore. My heart was sore.

I wasn't nice. I wasn't happy, I wasn't ever satisfied. I was still imagining my life in the storm, even though it had long since passed. I couldn't shake it.

Until that fateful night.

It was winter break. 3 months post-storm. I was tossing and turning in bed. I walked around to get a glass of water. Sort of dizzy, sort of nauseous, very tired, very confused. I walked upstairs to my parents bedroom. Mom was asleep, Dad was watching the 11 o'clock news. "Dad," I said, clenching my hands together. He muted the TV asked was wrong. "I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for months." 

And, the same way a glacier cracks and slips quickly into the unsuspecting ocean, my world came crashing down. The air was dull and silent aside from my ears ringing and my heart pounding, because saying it out loud meant it was real.

Winter was the darkest of dark days. I pushed - no, shoved - people away from me. I had extremely high highs and desperately low lows. 

I was cold, and it felt like I would spend forever trying to warm back up. 

"how long is forever?" "sometimes just one second."

spring: I am more than all this hurt

It turns out forever was just one winter. It turns out the hours passing that once felt excruciating now passed with the hands on the clock. That was the first thing that had felt familiar in months. When spring came, so did a change. I felt it hit me like a tidal wave. But instead of being scared, I opened up my arms and I just let it crash into me. A warmth rushed over me.

In the badlands laid the skeleton of a me I used to know. I had to let her go now. The new me needs me to be present.

The new me had things to do, and I'd already waited too long. So, let me tell you about the time after my forever.

I started this blog, which has - by no small means - changed my entire life. I had no idea there were so many people out there who felt and cared so deeply about the words I put out there. I feel like this helped me to fill in some of the empty spaces.

I sought therapy.

I re-established and mended the relationships with the people I loved. I began to learn how to open up and let people in. I also allowed myself the energy to confront my feelings as they came and went.

I got an amazing job. 

I brought my grades back up.

I sang along to my favourite songs again.

"I can do this, I thought. Then: And even if I can't, I have to."

summer: three-quarters perfect

Summer. Oh sweet, tender, joyous summer. This summer was my last summer as a "teen." Even though, for being a teen, I don't think I have ever been more grown-up in my life. I am finally sure of myself and the decisions I'm making. Music hits a little differently. The sun reminds me why the fall and the winter were worth it. I am worth it.

I worked harder than I ever have. I played hard too. I would go entire days - weeks even - without thinking about the storm, or my time in the badlands. Without wincing in the car. I could take a deep breath again.

This is the Haleigh I love so much.

With all this self-assurance came a lot of realization, too. 

I could not make this journey of self-discovery complete without sorting out the last few pieces that were still attached to the Haleigh who was lost in the storm. I had almost let her go, but somehow, a part of me still stretched out to hold on to her.

But after all of this, I had to confront the final piece left in my puzzle.

"Why hold on to all that? And I said, where can I put it down?"

august: nothing quite hurts as much as our almost

In the wake of all this changing, I realized that my heart grew out of itself. Like a new skin. Some things were just different. I will wonder forever what things would have been like had the storm passed peacefully over my sleeping body, and none of this ever could have happened.

I'll wonder who we could have been.

The love I have for you will linger in my heart forever. My heart has never felt so confused. In the midst of all this fixing, there was this piece - a large piece - that broke off and it's something I will never be able to replace in this lifetime. It is not a burden, but a blessing. 

I can say for certain that I was wholeheartedly, head-over-heels, in love with you from the day I met you to the day I said goodbye. I will always wonder if that was true for you, despite everything that happened.

I wish I didn't have to hurt the people I loved. But I can no longer carry the weight of this confusion on me. For now, I just need to set it down.

Thank you for holding my hand on this journey with me. I could not have done this without you, I needed you in this life. You were the best friend I have ever known. This era with you was the adventure of a lifetime and it's bittersweet to see it go. I hope the rest of your journey is as beautiful as ours was.

"maybe it won't work out, but maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

september 15: 11:59pm

My heart is pounding. I can feel the pages slipping quickly through my fingertips. For the first time in my life, there is no plan. There is no expectations of the future. There is no burdens of the past. My emotions are there, but they're finally steady, like a lake in the morning. They are so still that they reflect my beautiful life upon the top layer. They are so deep that you cannot even fathom the bottom.

Nineteen was electrifying. Nineteen was a storm, and a badlands, and a rollercoaster, and beautiful. A part of my heart will stay nineteen forever. But I have to leave the rest of it behind. Part of my journey, I guess, is leaving little pieces of me behind as I go.

Somewhere, in some alternate universe, the Haleigh before the storm is staring at me over the line in the sand in complete awe, with tears streaming down her face, overcome with pride looking at how far I've come. How I turned all of that into this. And I'm proud too. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be.