Sometimes when I am asleep, and the wind is coming in through the window of my childhood bedroom, I can almost feel you here. For a sleepover, the way we used to do all the time. It was just our clothes then, I didn’t know what was mine or yours. It was our day then, we never left each other’s sides. It was our life then, a pact that if we made it to 40 and were still single, we’d run away together and live on the beach in Mexico. I always wake up in a sweat from those dreams now. Now I live in your phone as an unknown cell number, I live in your photos as a girl you used to know. I live in that stain I left on the carpet of your truck when my bubblegum ice cream melted. Now I’m the most hated girl. For twenty-five years in a row. If you’ve never been the last choice friend, undiagnosed depression at a very young age, artsy but filled with melancholy girl, then you’ve never been the most hated girl. But I’ve worn her skin all my life. At first it was the separate group chat with 9 memb...
I thought my last post was a little angry. (True, but aggressive). And I know better than that. I pride myself in being pretty good at turning anger into something lighter. So I found a reason to thank you. When I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t do this anymore (and by ‘do this’ I mean suffocate from our friendship) I was distraught. Like I just wasted such a big part of my life on you. I felt empty. Because you drained every last feeling I had out of me. I was no longer sad, or tired, or lonely, just empty. But all that's changed. And I felt like that for a long time. I looked at old pictures of us and I missed you and I wanted to call you and ask you to hang out again. I spent even more wasted time on wondering if it was my fault, if I drove you to act the way you did to me, and wondering why you just left me here to think about these things with no explanations. Finally, though, I can say there’s a lot that I learned from you. Here is ten entire reasons wh...