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Showing posts from February, 2019

what it's like to survive the hardest time of your life

Four, almost five months ago, my life changed. I would say it changed forever but I still don’t know if it’s changed forever or just for now. For the people that know me, this story is probably boring, sad, and over-told. I get that. It’s probably annoying to hear about the worst day of someone’s life over and over and over again. And I can see how the feelings that come from someone who is suffering can become a burden on those around them. They just want to help. I know that. They feel defeated when they can’t. My whole life, everything has been almost laid out perfectly, like an outfit on my bed, or paint swatches for the spare bedroom. I have made easy choices, had complete control, had complete understanding of yesterday and tomorrow and the future. Then I crashed my car. Pretty badly. In the moments after the crash, hanging upside down, suspended by my seatbelt with my legs squished underneath the dash, I felt myself change. The airbags were slowly deflating, and the l...

an open letter to the person I loved and lost

To the person I loved and lost, I couldn’t figure out how to tell you this with my words so I’m gonna do it the way I know best: writing. I want to ask you how you are. How you really are. I wanna tell your mom happy belated birthday, and pet your dogs. I want to give you back the shirt I borrowed that day after we came home from the lake, but I don’t because it’s my favourite and it reminds me of you. I want to hear what your friend from home has to say about last weekend, and I want to tell you about the crazy thing I saw on my drive home from school. I wish I could still rush home to tell you this kind of stuff. I want to sing to Taylor Swift in the car with you. I want to laugh about the fact that her one song sounds like it's saying "gotta lonely Starbucks lover." I want to tell you why it scares me to sing in the car these days . I want you to at least pretend to understand like you used to. I want to tell you that I ripped my favourite jeans and I got a...