breaking down walls

There is a conversation that plays in my head from time to time and although it was significant to me, I didn’t realize its power at the time. It goes like this:

Me: “dad, if there is one thing you could go back and change in your life what would it be?”

Dad: “I wouldn’t change anything.”

Me: “okay but if you could do something different.”

Long pause.

Me: “dad?”

Dad: “I would tell young me to stop caring what everyone thinks of me.”

And he turned the TV on. The conversation was over for him. He said maybe the first thing that came to his mind so he could put the hockey game back on. For me, I replayed his words over and over and over. I had so much more to ask. But I thought to myself.... "but you don’t care what people think of you though” and that’s when it hit me. 

I cared so much. Did I smile and say thank you? Did she like my picture? Do I look like I’m having fun? Is this outfit too much? Can I sit beside this stranger in class? Can I raise my hand? I need to be the fun one. Say something funny. Do something dramatic. Not too dramatic. Just say yes. Don’t sing over the song. Inside voice. Small salad please. 

My thoughts raced. Was I really that person? This is MY life! What the hell! 

Later that night I got out of the shower and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror and I thought: this is my body. This is my skin. This is my belly. This is my long, bleached hair. These are my hot pink paint-chipped nails. This is my smile. This my energy. This is my closet. My clothes. Mine. 

I felt like I was facing a brick wall. Stopped from grabbing the real me on the other side. Stopped by the need to be liked, the need to be smart, the need to please everyone. Stopped by the people who didn’t like my picture, by the people who deleted me on Facebook, who didn’t smile back. Stopped by my bully through middle school, and her friends. I was stopped by things that weren’t mine. Things I couldn’t change.

But I know what’s mine. When am I going to realize there’s nobody on the face of this ever-loving blue-eyed world that can ever ever ever change that or take that away? When am I going to realize I can do whatever the hell I want with it? When am I going to realize that I am the one who built the wall that stands before me?

And just like that, the wall came crashing down.

I spit my toothpaste into the sink and looked back into the mirror.

I was free.

I was so free.

I got my first tattoo. And my second. And months later, two more. It was the first thing I had ever done in my life that was my own. I didn’t need someone to tell me to “go for it” and I didn’t need someone to go first. 

Everything else followed. I decided I wanted to be the girl with cool outfits. I started buying clothes that I loved but thought “I could never pull that off” because the new me, she could. And she does. 

I danced by myself at parties. And I let my face get really red and shiny and I lost my voice singing to my favourite songs. When I thought a good thought about someone I told them. I called people I missed.

I asked for what I wanted. I was okay if I didn’t get it. I wore eye shadow. Lots of it. And lipstick. I took pictures and videos of everything. And learned to leave the house without my phone. I ate the Kraft Dinner.

And here I am, just months later, and I am so free. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, and there’s still so much I need to work out in my world. But for once in my life, I can relax knowing that when I left my front door today I showed the world Haleigh. Authentic, loud, giggly, stubborn, Haleigh. I realized that my real energy is going to attract people that really WANT to be around me. And it will also divert those I don’t need in my life.

I think back to little, chubby, Haleigh and I wish I could tell her it’s okay to bring her snack out in class. And that the boys probably just want to share some with her. But I can look forward and hope for future Haleigh, and I hope that she is everything I’m working to be. I hope she’s seen more of the world. I hope she’s eating good. I hope she’s gentle with the people she meets. And with herself. I hope she looks in the mirror when she brushes her teeth and she remembers that she’s loves herself so much and that she is free. I hope she’s happy.

And in the end, if someone disagrees with you being YOU...you don’t want them in your life anyways. If you were looking for a sign, THIS RIGHT HERE IS YOUR SIGN!! Out of everything this world created, the waterfalls, and flowers, and mountains, and sunsets, and puppies, and Zac Efron, remember that the universe decided it needs one of you, too. 

Go be you.